(How to Escape the Invisible ‘Kaypoh’ Masters and Reclaim Your Life)
Whenever I open my counseling room doors and chat with people, our conversations always circle back to one big, painful question:
“It’s my own life, mah. So why am I always walking on eggshells, so scared of what others think, and letting them drag me left and right?”
We like to think we are the boss of our own lives. But if we are being completely honest, we are all serving a bunch of invisible “masters” every single day.
- In our 20s: It’s the ultimate Kiasu (fear of losing out) anxiety. “Everyone is building super impressive resumes and getting high-flying internships. If I don’t do the same, will I lose out forever?”
- In our 30s and 40s: The endless pressure of being the perfect “successful Singaporean.” We strive to be the ideal parent, the most hardworking employee, all while obsessing over the 5Cs—especially getting that BTO, upgrading to a condo, and accumulating assets.
- In our 50s: The sudden, heavy wave of shag (exhaustion) and emptiness. “I spent my whole life sacrificing for my family and my career. Now that the nest is empty, who am I actually?”
At the end of the day, no matter our age or background, we are all voluntarily working as unpaid servants under two invisible tyrants: the eyes of society and the desperate need for validation. Why do we keep trapping ourselves in this endless cycle?
The 24/7 Trap of ‘Validation Addiction’
We run ourselves into the ground, working 24/7, spending our youth and energy trying to “chope” (reserve) our spot at the top. We chase stocks, property, perfect parenting, and that flawless, highly-curated life on Instagram or TikTok.
But let’s be real for a second. Let’s look past the glossy exterior.
Why are we so obsessed with wealth, status, and reputation? It’s not just about the money itself. It’s because we are terrified of looking “less than” in front of our friends, relatives, and neighbors during Chinese New Year or social gatherings. We desperately want others to look at us and think, “Wah, he/she really made it.”
We have placed our self-worth entirely in the hands of others. But this fake king we serve—this crown of ‘Status and Reputation’—is incredibly fragile. When the market dips, when the job is lost, or when the praise stops, our entire identity crumbles. It’s a dangerous way to live.
If You Were Stranded on Pulau Ubin Alone, What is Your Actual Value?
Let’s do a quick mental experiment. Imagine a sudden mishap leaves you completely stranded all alone on a deserted island—far away from the city, even further than Pulau Ubin.
In that isolated place, your luxury designer bags, the exact square footage of your property, your high-sounding corporate title, and your thousands of social media followers instantly become completely useless. They cannot offer you even one second of warmth, comfort, or survival.
So why on earth do we spend our entire lives, risking our mental health and peace of mind, just to chase these empty shells?
We all grow old, and one day, we will leave this world. In the grand scheme of things, status and fame disappear like mist. Because we are terrified of facing this deep, existential quiet, we inject ourselves with the daily drug of ‘social approval’ just to feel numb and get through the day.
Why We Refuse to Cut Off Toxic ‘Kaypoh’ Relationships
“My partner is constantly gaslighting me, my boss is draining every drop of my energy, and my family just keeps demanding more and more… I know this relationship is toxic, but why can’t I just cut ties and walk away?”
As a counselor, the truth I have to share is often hard to swallow.
We don’t stay in these soul-crushing relationships out of kindness or “loyalty.” We stay because the fear of being lonely, of standing entirely on our own, terrifies us much more than the toxicity we currently endure. We prefer the “comfortable discomfort” of a bad relationship because it feels like a familiar safety net.
We lack the courage to break the mirror. Because once the other person is gone, we are forced to look at ourselves—raw, vulnerable, and completely alone.
Your 3-Step Mental Prescription to Reclaim Your Sovereignty
If you let other people’s opinions sit on the throne of your life, you will spend your entire existence begging for crumbs of approval. It’s time to break the cycle. Starting today, practice these three things:
1. Name the ‘Master’ ruling your mind (Self-Awareness)
Be fiercely honest with yourself. Whose judgment are you most afraid of right now? Identify them clearly. Say it out loud: “Actually, I am letting my parents’ unfulfilled dreams run my life,” or “I am letting the envy of my peer group dictate my career choices.” Once you name the master, they lose their power over you.
2. Get comfortable with the anxiety of being disliked (Confrontation)
When you finally start saying “no” and choosing your own path, people will get unhappy. They might gossip. Let them. That spike of anxiety you feel when you disappoint someone? It won’t kill you. In fact, it is the growing pain of you finally becoming a solid, independent adult.
3. Draw your boundaries like a fortress (Boundary)
You need to learn to draw a clear line in the sand. “This is my boundary, and that is yours.” Other people’s emotional baggage is their own business; your mental peace is yours. You do not have to be the toxic dumping ground for everyone else’s expectations and bad moods.
Epilogue: Who is Sitting on Your Throne?
True freedom isn’t about having a flawless life that everyone envies. True freedom is walking right out of that golden cage of social validation and declaring yourself the absolute master of your own life—fully responsible for your own choices, your own joy, and your own peace.
Just for today, why not take off that heavy, exhausting crown of everyone else’s expectations? Give yourself the permission to just breathe, sit in quiet, and protect your own heart.
Whose life are you actually living right now? Share your raw thoughts, struggles, or stories with me in the comments below. Let’s talk.
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