(Is there a way to escape the control of others?)
When having conversations with those who open the door to my counseling room, our talks eventually converge into a single question: “It’s my life, so why am I always walking on eggshells around others and being dragged around by them?”
We believe we are the masters of our own lives, but in reality, we live our lives serving countless invisible “masters.”
- In our 20s: The anxiety of “Everyone else is building their specs, what if I’m the only one falling behind?”
- In our 30s and 40s: The pressure of “I must be a good parent and a competent employee,” combined with an obsession over homeownership and assets.
- In our 50s: A sense of loss, thinking, “I dedicated my entire life to my family, but who am I now?”
Ultimately, though our ages and circumstances differ, we may all be living as voluntary slaves under the invisible rulers of “the eyes of others” and “the desire for validation” throughout our entire lives. Why is it that we cannot break free from this cycle?
The 24/7 Loop of ‘Validation Addiction’
We spend 24 hours a day, a week, and indeed a lifetime running to achieve something. Stocks, real estate, career, perfect parenting, and a glamorous lifestyle on social media.
But this is where we must become brutally honest with ourselves.
Why are we truly obsessed with money and reputation? Rather than the material things themselves, it is because of the “desire not to feel inferior among others” and the “yearning to be recognized as someone great.” The standard of our self-worth is directed entirely outward—toward the standards of others—rather than inward.
This fake king we worship, named ‘Money and Reputation,’ does not rule forever. When those things shake or wither away, our entire existence crumbles with them. This is precisely why such tragedies occur.
What Real Value Remains If You Were Cast Away on a Desert Island?
Let’s imagine for a moment. What if you were suddenly stranded on an uninhabited desert island due to an unexpected accident?
In that place, the luxury bags, the apartment size, the prestigious job titles, and the social media networks we scrolled through daily—things we would have risked our lives to protect—instantly turn into useless husks.
None of those many things would offer even a single second of comfort on that island. If so, why have we risked our lives for them all this time?
Human beings eventually age and leave this world. In the face of death, any power or fame dissolves like dust. Terrified of confronting this fundamental emptiness and fear, we inject ourselves daily with the fake anesthetic of ‘validation from others’ just to get through each day.
Why We Can’t Cut Off ‘Toxic Relationships’ Even When We Know Better
“A partner who gaslights me, a boss who drains me, a family that endlessly makes demands… I know clearly that it’s bad for me, so why can’t I just cut ties?”
The truth told in counseling psychology is painful.
It is because the ‘loneliness’ and ‘anxiety’ we must face when we end that relationship and stand alone are too terrifying. Even if we are in an uncomfortable, oppressive relationship, we mistake the ‘familiar discomfort’ within it for a safety net.
Ultimately, failing to cut off toxic relationships is not out of consideration for the other person. It is because we lack the courage to face our true, fragile, and helpless selves that will be left all alone once the mirror of the ‘other person’ disappears.
A Mental Prescription to Reclaim the Sovereignty of Your Life
If we place things other than ourselves at the center of our lives, we must live our entire lives walking on eggshells. To break this vicious cycle, remember these three things starting today:
- Name the ruler of your heart (Awareness) Face head-on whose eyes you are watching the most right now. Start by clearly recognizing their existence, saying to yourself, “Ah, I am currently being ruled by my parents’ expectations,” or “I am being controlled by my friends’ envy.”
- Tolerate the anxiety of “It’s okay to be disliked” (Confrontation) Do not avoid the anxiety that arises from worrying that others might dislike you when you act according to your own will. That anxiety cannot kill you. Rather, it is a sign that you are growing into a solid, mature adult.
- Draw a healthy boundary (Boundary) You must be able to declare, “Up to here is my territory, and from there is yours.” Other people’s emotions are their responsibility, and your emotions are yours. You do not need to absorb all the garbage emotions thrown by others.
Epilogue: Who is the King Ruling Over You Right Now?
True freedom comes from walking out of the prison of validation built by others and becoming the ‘master of your own life’—taking responsibility for your own emotions and choices.
Why not throw off the crown of others’ expectations for just today, and spend some quiet time solely nurturing your own heart?
Whose life are you living right now? Please share your honest stories in the comments
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